Girl, Frappucino, BOFA, and a Donut make?
by LavenderCrystalOfRoses
Summary: On major overdose of chocolate and various other processed ingrediants, hyperactive Rachel attempts to tell her shackalacka version of the Battle Of Five Armies. Who knows what will happen now? MAJOR SPOILERS FOR BOFA MOVIE.
1. Oh, Frapp!

"Rachel? Are you home? How was The Battle Of Five Armies?"

"IT WAS SHACKALACKA!" Rachel wooped, bounding out of the kitchen. "Whackadoodle! Topsy turvo!"

"Rachel, what's wrong with you?" Asked Lynn. Her eyes widened.

"Rachel..."

"What, mi compadre?"

"You didn't happen to have a leviathan chocolate frappucino with extra-whipped cream, did you?"

"I had two! Dos! Tres! Cuatro!" Rachel sang, flopping onto the couch.

"Oh, no wonder you're hyped. You didn't also happen to have one of your double frosted-chocolate stuffed donuts, did you?"

"Yep." Giggled Rachel.

"Aren't your parents here?"

"No! Niet! Patooty! Zamboni!"

"Why do I put up with this?" Groaned Lynn.

"Because I'm your bestest friend." Smiled Rachel.

Lynn knew she was right.

"So...uh...how was the Battle Of Five Armies?" Asked Lynn.

"I thought you'd never ask! Come on!"

And that's how Lynn found herself being dragged into her room to get the full account of the BOFA by her best friend, who was hyped on frapps and Donuts.

Stay tuned.


	2. Dude

"SO!" Said Rachel, in her room doing various acrobatics.

"It...started...with...FIRE!"

"Because laketown was burning." Nodded Lynn.

"Smaug was attacking! Hoo! Wah! Foooo...Personally-I-think-that-he-could-have-tooken-it-out-right-away...but since that wasn't in the book..." She whispered conspiratorily to Lynn, who was sitting below her canopy bed, "It wouldn't worked out that well."

"So then the archer dude-"

"Bard."

"Archer dude. Was all like, I'm gonna hit you! But he couldn't, and then the Kili dude randomly said, "OMG HE HIT THE MARK WHY THE BLEEP ISN'T HE DYING?! But then the Tauriel dude said, No dude, nothing can pierce that dude's skin."

"Stop calling them dudes, Please."

"Zip it, dude! Now where was I? Oh right, I was here! No, wait, maybe I was here. I don't know. Lynn, dude, do shackalack WHERE I FRICKIN WAS?"

"You where hanging of of the cannopy bed upsidedown by your knees, Rachel."

"Thanks, dude! So, then, the boy dude brought the black arrow which is like level 100 or something in games and the bard dude made a BOW OUT OF HIS SON WHICH IS FRICKIN AMAZO!"

"And the Smaug Dude is all like, 'Dude...your gonna die...I'm invinci-BLAUGH! And then he DIES!"

"And then it cuts back to all the other guys-"

"Huh? Which other guys? There are a lot of other guys, Rache."

"THE DWARVES, DUDE! So, everyone is staring into space, except for Thorin, and all you can see is the back of his head, and I'm all like, "Hi, back of Thorin's head! Nice back of your head, Thorin! Shackalacka whoop-dee-doo! But Bilbo is all

"Oh, man, dude, there's something seriously wrong, dude..."


	3. Of Cats And Weasels

"THEN..." Said Rachel, chewing on a piece of sausage she'd randomly procured from the pantry.

"IT WAS DAYLIGHT! And then the bard dude was being a boss and doing all the right stuff, but everyone wanted bard to be, their shackalacka leader, like, but bard was like, "FRICK NO! I DON'T WANNA BE KING, DUDE! Only for some weird reason that made'em wanna have him as king even more, except for Al."

"Who's Al? Isn't that your pet cat's name?"

"NO! AL WAS THE GUY!"

"Which guy?" Asked Lynn.

"YOU KNOW! The EVIL guy! Who got thrown into the water!"

"Do you mean _Alfred_?"

"No. His name is Al."

"But-Argh, never mind. Go on."

"Missy-wissy pwissy kissie, who's a pwissy wissy kissie?" Murmured Rachel, scratching under her cat's chin.

Then she abruptly stopped and continued, "But everyone booed Al, and you know what? Al is a frickin' liar! HE SAID HE BEGGED THE MASTER TO SAVE'EM, but NO! HE JUST WANTS TO SAVE HIMSELF! He's a weasel alright!" She said, Clenching her fists.

Al The Cat went into the closet and buried his head in his paws. He thought Rachel was talking about him.


	4. PWRLEAKWJITBFGFS?

"SO!" Yelled Rachel. "Well everyone else, was trying to attack the Al dude or blackmailing the archer dude to become their leader, the dwarf dude guys from the shackalacka main character thingy were...GOING TO CATCH UP!" She screamed the last part so loudly that Lynn jumped back and several neighbors nearly reported domestic violence.

"Ow! Rachel, not so loud!" Said Lynn, extremely irritated.

Rachel took no notice of her and continued, "So the Kili dude, who has a thing for the Tauriel dude, he says, 'Come with me' but Tauriel says, 'No, I can't!' She said it again, in a high pitched voice, 'NO, Kili! I can't! But I love you! What am I going to do?" She did it again. 'NO, Kili! I can't! But I love you! What am I going to do?"

And again.

'NO, Kili! I can't! But I love you! What am I going to do?"

'NO, Kili! I can't! But I love you! What am I going to do?"

'NO, Kili! I can't! But I love you! What am I going to do?"

'NO, Kili! I can't! But I love you! What am I going to do?"

'NO, Kili! I can't! But I love you! What am I going to do?"

'NO, Kili! I can't! But I love you! What am I going to do?"

'NO, Kili! I can't! But I love you! What am I going to do?"

Galloping back and forth with each time.

'NO, Kili! I can't! But I-"

"Rachel, we get the idea." Said Lynn.

Rachel stopped, sat down, "And then, Legolas who is legoless, because there are no legos in middle earth, SHACKALACKA LEGOS! Comes up behind like him and Tauriel are PWRLEAKWJITBFGFS-"

"Wait, what? PWRLEAKWJITBFGFS? What's that?"

"You don't know what that means?! _Lynn_! I'm disappointed in you!"

"Well, humor me, O Wise One." Said Lynn sarcastically.

Rachel said, completely seriously, "Thanks, Grasshopper. You see, it stands for... People Who Really Love Eachother Kili Was Just Imagining Their Boyfriend Girlfriend Stuff. And then he gets this look. Like this." She narrowed her eyes and parted her mouth just enough to reveal her front teeth. She looked like a badly drawn snarling lion picture. That's the best way to describe it.

"But he apparently managed to keep enough of his cool so he didn't get warm and then HOP!" She jumped off of her bed. "Ouch! He HOPS! Into the boat with everyone else."


	5. Gold, Gold, Gold

Then, the camera cuts to Fili helping Kili up...The foothills." Said Rachel, nodding dramatically. "Duh Duh Duh!" She kicked her foot into Lynn's face. "FOOTHILLS!"

"Get your foot out of my face!"

"And! Then! The! Camera! Switched! To! EREBOR!" Rachel screeched in delight.

"Only it's deserted." She whispered. "And I'm all like, where did the company go?"

"And Bofur is all like, 'Bifur? Bombur? Where are you guys?' Because, like, Bombor's his bro and Bifur's his cuz. And then." She lunged infront of Lynn, making unintelligible screaming noises.

"IT'S BILBO!" She yelled. "AND THE POOR GUY LOOKS REALLY UPSET! AND HE SAYS, TO Pay-ra-phrase, "There's something wrong with him! He's sick! He's not himself!"

"Bofur, Oin, and the other dudes are all like, Who man? AND THEN HE'S ALL LIKE, THORIN MAN! THORIN IS NOT HIMSELF! HE IS SICK! SICK I TELL YOU!

"Naturally, Fili and Kili beg to see him, and then they have no choice, and they find Thorin in the gold-place. And he's in this like green robe thing, and shackalacka! There be a crown on this here King's head! And he's staring at the gold like it's really valuable."

"Well, technically, Rachel, Gold_ is_-"

"No, Like, really valuable. Really, really, like _really_ valuable. Like, shackalacka more valuable then it should be! And then he says, like, "Gold. Gold. Gold. Look at all this gold. Gold is amazing." "Then, he looks up, and he gives them a look-" She made her face to look more like that of a gorilla then the look Thorin gave- "And he's all like, Oh, hi Fili and Kili. WELCOME TO EREBOR!"


	6. In Erebor

"And then, Bofur gets a reunion with his brother and his cousin." Said Rachel. "It's supersweet...huggles...huggles..." She gave Lynn a big hug.

"Uh...Thank...you?" Said Lynn.

"And of course, then Thorin gets serious about blockading Erebor...and CRASH! BANG! A WINGATANGTANG! They've become...Builders." She said, in an awed whisper. "BLOCKADING EREBOR!"

"From what?" Asked Lynn.

"I'm going to sit perfectly still so I can build up the suspense."

"FROM WHAT?! Jeepers, Rachel!"

"Let's just say dear old Oakysheild has become a wee bit paranoid." Said Rachel, getting up and running down the hall.

Smirking, Lynn said, "Thought you were gonna sit still, eh, Rachel!"

"Shackalacka you! I'm going to sit still somewhere else!" Said Rachel, settling herself on the kitchen counter.

30 seconds later, Rachel had moved to the dining room table.


	7. Poor Al!

"So, Rachel," Said Lynn, when Rachel came galloping bacck from sitting still in the Dining Room, Kitchen, Couch, Closet, Bathroom, Other Closet, and Bedroom, "What was Thorin blockading Erebor from?"

"From the GUYS!" Shouted Rachel. "The guys and the elves are comin' to get their gold that Thorin promised them!"

"Wait, when did he do that?" Asked Lynn.

"You know? When the Thorin dude shackalackad all the other dudes so that 'e could git some here supplies for that ding dang draagon! Yeehaw!" Yelled Rachel, twirling her arm over her head like a lasso.

"Oh, yeah!"

"Only Al wants to take more of the share, that greedy old bum-" (In the closet, Al the cat made an insulted sound and turned his back on them)

But then Bard says, "No Frickin way, Al, you scurvy dog!"

(You can guess how the cat felt about that)

**A/N: Happy New Years, everyone! **


	8. Way To Give Us All Heart Attacks, Peter

"So they're all, like, sitting in the mountain, and then you see Bilbo, and, like, he's looking into his pocket, and then Thorin walks by and he's like WHAT IS THAT? And Bilbo's all like, n-n-nothing, and then Thorin's like, SHOW IT TO ME! NOW! And I'm all like ohgodohgodohgodohgodohgodOHGODOHGOD

And then the Thorin dude is all like WELL?

"Wait, Thorin finds out about the-"

AND then Bilbo vvvvvvveeeeeeerrrrrrrryyyy ssssssssssslllllllllloooooooowwwwwwwwllllllllllyyyyy reaches in and I'm like, FRICK GET IT OVER WITH YOU SHACKALACKA DINGDONG! And...out...comes...the...ACORN!" Yelled Rachel.

"AcornAcornAcornAcornAcornAcornAcornAcornAcornACORN!"

"A WHAT?! Rachel, you mean that all that suspense was for an acorn?!"

"Yupadupdup, lup."


	9. Good Times

"Then I'm all like PHEW and I'm so relieved and like and Thorin is all like, WHAT? And you can tell he's a little disappointed , he doesn't say so, But you tell. You can tell." Said Rachel, leaning to Lynn's face so close she could smell Rachel's frappucino breath.

"And then he's like, "But why would you carry around a bitsy little seed, that's like all weird man." "And then Bilbo says, I'm gonna plant it when I get home. And Thorin's all like, "But why?" And Bilbo's like, "Good times, man. Good times." And then Thorin gets a..." She froze with her mouth open.

"What?" Asked Lynn curiously.

Minutes passed.

"What, Rachel, just say it." Said Lynn, who was starting to get annoyed.

"A REMINISCENT SMILE!" Said Rachel, doing jumping jacks. "And then, Balin and Dwalin comes in and they're all like, Hey Thorin, some dudes from Laketown are here. And then Thorin turns to them all business like and he's like, what for?" And then his eyes slides wayyy over here." She moved her pupils to the right to demonstrate. "And I'm all like, really guys? Could there be a worse time for you to intrude?"

"And then..." She said dramatically.

"And then...I...ate...popcorn."


	10. Gold Causes Frustration, Part 1

"So while I was eating my Shackalacka popcorn, Thorin went to talk to Bard, And Bard is all,

"Dude, you promised some gold. Let us have some so we can rebuild Dale."

"Thorin's like, but it's mine, so you can't have it."

"But that doesn't make sense!" Said Lynn.

"SHACKALACKA! So, that's pretty much the whole shabangbang, with Bard going,

"Dude you promised!"

And Thorin going, "But it's mine, so you can't have any!"

"Dude you promised!"

"But it's mine, so you can't have any!"

"Dude you promised!"

"But it's mine, so you can't have any!"

"Dude you promised!"

"But it's mine, so you can't have any!"

"Dude you promised!"

"But it's mine, so you can't have any!"

"Rachel, stop repeating yourself!"

"Shackalack Lynn, that's how it went! The entire dingdong thing! Thorin sure is acting weird, huh? CHERRY BARRY LARRY?!"

"I'll shackalackin say! Oh great, now _I'm_ doing it."


	11. Gold Causes Frustration, Part 2

"Oh! And at one point, Bilbo finds Balin sitting at a desk thing, and it doesn't take a Genius or a rocket scientist or a forensic scientist or a-"

"Rachel-" Said Lynn, scenting danger.

"OR A ROCKET SCIENTIST OR A PSYCOLOGIST OR A PSYCHIATRIST OR A-"

"Meteorologist?" Said Lynn, resignedly.

"No, silly! That's for weather! So IT DOES NOT TAKE A SCIENTIST OR A GENIUS OR A SHACKALACKA or any, you know them-"

"Who's them?"

"You know, them, to see that he's crying, and HE CRYING CAUSE HIS FRIEND IS SICK! YOU GOTTA PROBLEM WITH THAT?!" Rachel demanded.

Lynn leaned back. "Umm...no..."

"And Bilbo was all like, hey, Balin dude, what would happen if Thorin got the arkenstone what would happen? What it, like, cure him or something?"

And Balin is all like, "Oh, sure, he would like it, but would it stop it? Neh, Laddie. Only he says it like, Lattie. Which sounds like latte. Mmm...latte..." Suddenly Rachel was holding a latte.

"When did you get that?" Asked Lynn.

"Time lapse!" Said Rachel, swallowing her latte with one gulp. So, then Bilbo's like oooohhhhhhh...because..." Suddenly Rachel started sobbing hysterically.

Lynn patted her best friend on the back. "It's OK, Rachel. What's wrong?"

"IT'S A LOSE-LOSE SITUATION! IF THORIN GETS THE ARKENSTONE, HE'LL GO INSANE! IF HE DOESN'T, HE'LL GO INSANE! I CAN'T TAKE IT MUCH LONGER!"

"But Rachel, you have seen the end...right?"

"Yes." Sniffled Rachel.

"But why...?"

"I'M VENTING MY FEELINGS! THIS IS HOW _I FELT THEN_!"

Rachel took a tissue, gave it a huge, honking blow, then said, "Oh, that's BETTER! WANNA HEAR WHAT HAPPENS NEXT?!"

Lynn nodded. She didn't have much of a choice with Rachel.


	12. WAR!

"So you know it all means? Wanna know what it all means, huh Lynn? Huh? Huh?"

"What does it mean?" Asked Lynn resignedly.

"HOGWARTS! IT MEANS HOGWARTS! POTTERHEADS UNITE!" Rachel screamed.

"But...that's...from Harry Potter..." Said Lynn, confused.

"So it's NOT?!"

"Yep."

"Oh fine, be that way. Spoilsport." Rachel muttered. "Well, in that case there's gonna be...WOAHH! WOAH! WOOOOEEEAAAHHHHHH!"

"As in war with in _r_ at the end?"

"No! It's WOE-AAAHHH! That's how all the shackalacka movie dudes say it, get it right!" Snapped Rachel. "Oh, and Thorin gives the wizard dude to Bilbo."

"Wait, what?"

**A/N: I'm sorry for the long wait. I've had a lot of catching up to do on schoolwork, but now that I'm back on track the updates should be more frequent**.


	13. Mythril, Mythrandir What's the dif?

"YAH! THORIN GIVES BILBO A COAT OF MYTHRINDIR!" Shreed Rachel.

"Oh! You mean mythril, right?"

"No. He meant the wizard dude!" Rachel cooed in acappella. "Meemooommomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomohehehehehoeheoehehoehoehe heheohe told BILBO he was a friend! A good one! Even though!" Said Rachel, shaking Lynn.

"Bilbo. Was. HIDING THE ARKENSTONE FROM! him." She whispered the last word so softly.

"Does it happen in the way in the book? The discovery of the arkenstone, I mean?"

"Yeah. It was epic." Said Rachel, smiling ear to ear.

"OK, how can you be so calm about that? _He tried to KILL Bilbo_!" said Lynn.

"Maybe I'm swag."

"Maybe you're weird."

"I know."


	14. Of Stones And Pants

"So Thorin doesn't suspect anyone for the arkenstone?"

"NO! JEEZ! I JUST SAID BILBO! But, if you must _**know**_ who heeeeeeeeeeeeee rea'ly 'spects, ah reckon it be dem chillun."

"What's a demchillun?"

"Oh, honestly Lynn, you're so hopeful."

"Why, thank you."

"YOUR! welcome. Anyway, the children are Fili and Kili. I can't believe that he suspects his own nephews! That _little_-" Rachel proceeded to call Thorin very colorful names that shall not be printed down in this story or else the rating would have to be changed.

When Lynn had had enough with Rachel's tirade, she interjected sternly, "_Rachel_."

"What?" Rachel pouted. Then she caught herself in the mirror and decided to make faces.

"Cut Thorin some slack."

"No."

"Rachel, need I remind you of a certain someone who couldn't find her pants one morning."

"Yes?" Said Rachel, has she wiggled her nose back and forth in the mirror.

"And all she had on was her mega-oversized T-shirt that had AWESOMESAUCE! Written all over it."

"Yes...hey, I think ah steel 'ave dat shirt."

"And then she caught Reggie Thomas, the next door neighbor, looking at her through the window."

"Peeping TOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo...MMMMMM!"

"He was not peeping Tom, Rache. He, like the rest of the neighbors, heard this someone screeching about how she couldn't find her pants and wanted to investigate."

"Fine."

"And then this Reggie Thomas called out, to this poor, distraught-over-missing-pants someone, "Are you having trouble finding your pants?"

"Ah tink ah may 'member dat."

"And this someone, called back, 'Reggie Thomas, how do you know about my pants? Did _you_ steal them?'"

"Well, 'e might 'ave."

"Then poor, innocent Reggie Thomas called back, 'I didn't steal your pants, honest'!"

"'ow was ah 'sposed to know?"

"But then this someone called back, 'I don't believe you, Reggie Thomas!'"

"Well, ah didn't."

"And five minutes later, Reggie Thomas was being chased up and down the street by this admittedly slightly demented someone, who I might had was still wearing only her AWESOMESAUCE T-shirt-"

"Hey!"

"What, I call it as I see it. And this someone was screaming, " 'Where did you put my pants?! Admit it, you took them! Now give them back and NO ONE gets hurt!"

"That's perty much 'ow it went."

"And then, after this someone was dragged back to her house by her furious parents, she checked her closet-"

"Hmph." Grumbled Rachel.

"And lo and behold! There were her pants, exactly where she placed them the night before."

"Well, 'e was a _suspect_!"

"So were Fili and Kili. So the moral is, if you think someone stole your favorite pair of pants, check and see if it wasn't exactly where you placed it."

"But de Arkenstone wasn't where Thorin put it."

"Well, he did ask Bilbo to steal it."

"Oh, right. WELL IT'S STILL WRONG!"

"Reggie Thomas changed neighborhoods two months later."

"Still." Muttered Rachel, who was a great fan of Fili and Kili.


End file.
